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Why won't my friend just leave her abusive boyfriend?

People who are victims of D.V. Become conditioned to believe that there is nothing they can do to help themselves. There is a term called Learned Helplessness that was studied in the 50's and 60's. Animals placed in chronically abusive situations were unable to escape the violence when a clear alternative (escape route) was provided for them. This is because after a while they gave up hope of ever being able to change their circumstances and were therefore no longer able to see, or have hope in, potential solutions. Research indicates that people in chronically abusive situations become unable to make decisions to save themselves. Even when an escape route is obvious to others, the abuse victim is unable to see it. There is a learned helplessness that develops over time, and it makes the victim feel powerless and unable to act assertively. She stays because she is terrified that he will become more violent if she leaves, that he will try to take the children, that she can't make it on her own. The average woman in a domestically violent situation tries to leave the situation 7 times before they are successful at leaving permanently. Support your friend and help her to regain that feeling of hope and self-worth until she is able to make the break.


Isn't it better to stay in an abusive relationship for the sake of the children?

Children are never benefited by a violent situation. If the situation is verbal violence toward a spouse, and the children are never a part of it and are never effected by it (right), then there may be hope in getting some really serious counseling. Get involved in anger management classes and couples counseling which works towards empowering a positive, loving, relationship. If this is something that both partners are willing to work at, than go for it. Any kind of violence which involves the children either directly or indirectly needs to stop immediately, or the non-abusive parent needs to take the children away from the violent situation ASAP! Children learn how to be adults by modeling their parents, for better or for worse. They learn to become abusive, or they learn to be a punching bag for other abusers throughout their life. Their sense of self worth never develops and they have a suicide rate 10 times higher than children from non-abusive families.