"Treacherous divorce" and "Disciplinary divorce"

NOT UNDER BONDAGE
Biblical Divorce for Abuse, Adultery and Desertion

Under what circumstances does the Bible permit divorce? May a divorced Christian remarry? Christian teaching on divorce and remarriage has varied widely. Interpretation of the biblical texts on divorce and remarriage has been hotly contested and the debate is still very much alive.

Among those most hurt by the uncertainty and lack of consensus are Christian victims of marital abuse (otherwise known as domestic violence, battering, intimate partner abuse, family violence). Such people often think they must choose between two unpleasant alternatives: endure abuse, or face condemnation by God and church people for disobeying the Bible.

Not Under Bondage, written by a survivor of domestic abuse, explains the scriptural dilemmas of abuse victims carefully examines the scriptures and scholarly research
shows how the Bible sets victims of abuse free from bondage and guilt.

Some conclusions of Not Under Bondage are:
- The Bible distinguishes between "treacherous divorce" and "disciplinary divorce".
- Disciplinary divorce is permitted by the Bible. This applies in cases of abuse, adultery or desertion, where a seriously mistreated spouse divorces a seriously offending spouse.
- Treacherous divorce is condemned by the Bible. It occurs when a spouse obtains divorce for reasons other than abuse, adultery or desertion.
- If the offending partner was sexually immoral, the Bible allows the non-offending partner to remarry.
- If the offending partner abused, deserted or unjustly dismissed the other, and the offender has been judged to be ‘as an unbeliever’, the Bible allows the mistreated partner to remarry .


Introduction

This book explores biblical principles that can direct victims of marital abuse. It seeks to find answers from the whole of God’s Word, recognizing this Word as inspired, without error and fully sufficient to guide us in all matters of life and practice. It has a special focus on divorce for marital abuse but it also discusses divorce and remarriage in cases of unjust dismissal, desertion and sexual immorality. You should find help in this book if you are:

a victim of marital abuse;
a divorcee for a reason other than marital abuse;
a person who wonders whether the Bible allows divorce and remarriage and on what grounds;
a family member, friend or counselor of a Christian divorcee;
a pastor, chaplain or theologian who seeks to give biblical guidance on divorce and remarriage.
If you are reading this book because you are interested in God’s guidance on divorce and remarriage, but are not particularly interested in the domestic abuse aspect, you may wish to skim through the first three chapters, then read more carefully from chapter four.

I am a survivor of an abusive marriage. The concept for this book emerged when my marriage of 10 years finally ended. At that time I needed a book which analyzed and explained the scriptures pertinent to marital abuse, but could not find one that went into sufficient detail. Many scriptures can be applied to domestic abuse: scriptures about suffering, repentance, forgiveness, submission and headship, separation, divorce and remarriage. This book deals only with the scriptures relating to separation, divorce and remarriage.

The subject of separation, divorce and remarriage is a minefield in Christian circles. Opinions vary as to the correct interpretation of the pertinent scriptures. Interpretation has been difficult because community appreciation of the dynamics of marital abuse only began to develop in the last decades of the twentieth century. The community, until recently, was in denial about the issue, just as victims and perpetrators often are. This affected Christians and led to scriptural interpretations that either ignored the possibility of marital abuse, or failed to recognize its peculiar dynamics.1

Another difficulty is that translations of the Bible have sometimes obscured what the original text actually said. For example, Malachi 2:16 has often been translated as if God is declaring “I hate divorce”, whereas it probably does not say that at all. (This will be explored in chapter eight.)

A third difficulty is that we have been reading Jesus’ words through our own cultural grid rather than hearing what they would have meant to his audience. We need to consider how Jesus’ hearers would have understood his teachings. This approach makes it easier to make sense of many of the apparent difficulties in the various divorce texts.

THE SCRIPTURAL PLIGHT OF THE DOMESTIC ABUSE VICTIM

Being a Christian and a victim of abuse produces a spiritual dilemma. Does the Bible command a victim to stay in an appalling marriage, or does it permit separation? If it permits separation, does it permit divorce? Does it also permit remarriage? The committed Christian wants to obey God above all else, and does not dare to divorce without clear biblical permission. Yet Christians interpret the divorce scriptures in a variety of ways. Bewildered and exhausted by the conduct of the other spouse, the victim of abuse has little energy to sift through and evaluate these various interpretations.

In 1992, Christianity Today surveyed its readers’ views on the permissibility of divorce and remarriage.2 The results suggested layers of confusion about what the Bible permits and what it prohibits. This can be the experience of abuse victims who seek pastoral advice about divorce and remarriage.

Peter F. Rutledge in his PhD thesis said: “Research of past teachers of renown reveals what I believe to be a tragic tale of pastoral irresponsibility in their discussions on marital abuse.”3 Rev Al Miles has commented, “In many religious circles, pastors treat divorce far more harshly than they treat wife beating.”4 In a 1986 study of severely abused victims, one in three who turned to clergy said they were instructed that they could not leave the relationship or that it would be sinful to do so, and that divorce was strongly discouraged. They reported they felt trapped by their religion.5 Attitudes among clergy seem to have somewhat improved since the 1980s, with some Christian writers and teachers bringing more balanced views.6

Unfortunately, some writers have had a total blind spot regarding abuse. Carl Laney (The Divorce Myth) is an example. This book only permits divorce when marriage is between people who are close relatives. It rejects the right of divorce, or even separation, for victims of adultery and desertion. This was the only divorce book I read during a four-year period of separation from my husband. As a victim of domestic violence, I was outside Laney’s universe. I reconciled with my husband, the abuse recurred and I separated again.

Other writers appear to contradict themselves. On one hand they claim adultery is the only permissible ground for divorce, but on the other hand they say that if it is the unbeliever’s violence that breaks up a marriage, then the victim is free. The victim of abuse is sorely puzzled by such an approach: how can there be only one permissible ground if there is another ground as well? Some writers emphasize adultery because “it strikes at the heart of marriage”, yet the extreme pain of living under abuse is mentioned only in passing. Many victims find this hurtful.

It also troubles victims when commentators acknowledge violence as a legitimate ground for divorce, but do not acknowledge non-violent methods of abuse. A victim whose abuser is never physically violent, or only rarely so, feels ignored by such an approach. Abuse does not have to be physical to be destructive. The words of his mouth were smoother than butter, but war was in his heart; his words were softer than oil, yet they were drawn swords (Ps. 55:21). Such unfairly weighted double messages make a survivor of domestic abuse feel hopeless, confused or angry. The victim suffers at the hand of the abuser, who professes love but shows hate, who makes inconsistent and contradictory demands from one day to the next. The victim also suffers inconsistent and contradictory advice from fellow Christians.

Many pastors face the ethical problem of how to handle the pastoral situation of an abused spouse while remaining faithful to the scriptures. Adultery is fairly commonly accepted in Christian circles as a ground for divorce, based on Matthew 19:9. Desertion is also an accepted ground based on 1 Corinthians 7:15, though it is less commonly accepted than adultery. A victim of abuse whose spouse has not committed adultery does not qualify on the ground of desertion as it is commonly understood.7 Abusers rarely desert their partner; they want to stay in the marriage but they also want to retain a position of power, which results in continued abuse.

Some Christian advice has been more responsible, teaching that abuse victims have the right to separate, or the right to divorce. This idea is argued from the scriptures by extending general principles of Christian conduct. For example, the sixth commandment You shall not murder implies you should not remain in a position where you might be killed or hurt by another. Another approach is to argue that both adultery and desertion by an unbeliever violate the heart of the marriage covenant for they strike at the two key aspects of the creation ordinance of marriage: leaving and cleaving, and one flesh. Since the Bible deplores covenant breaking and grants divorce for innocent parties, we can extend this and say that any conduct that utterly repudiates the marriage covenant permits the innocent believer to divorce.8

These solutions establish the principle of divorce for abuse by relying on a general interpretation of the relevant scriptures. Some victims will be freed by such advice. However, many victims of abuse need more because they are troubled by texts that seem to tell them things such as:

marriage is indissoluble, except by death;
adultery is the only ground for divorce, with perhaps the additional ground of desertion;
if you separate you should remain unmarried, or be reconciled to your spouse.
These ideas may help keep a victim penned into an abusive marriage, or, if she decides to divorce, they can produce guilt for years afterwards.9 Such victims need specific verses and explanations so that they can break out of their mental and spiritual entrapment.

This book seeks to demonstrate that Paul’s teaching in 1 Corinthians 7:15 can apply to victims of domestic abuse. Many have thought that this verse only applies to cases where the unbeliever walks out of the marriage, but it also applies when the unbeliever’s sinful conduct so pushes away the believer that the believer flees to protect body or soul. In such cases, even though the believer takes the final act of separation, the separation is caused by the unbeliever’s abusive, dishonest and manipulative conduct. Divorce is permitted in such cases; the victim is not under bondage and is free to remarry. The book explains this in detail and answers questions that some Christians have about this view.

Note to victims: The main text (chapters 1-12) is designed to be read on its own. You don’t need to read any of the endnotes unless you really want to. The endnotes and appendices are aimed at scholars and pastors.

Terlatih Ketidakberdayaan

Why won't my friend just leave her abusive boyfriend?

People who are victims of D.V. Become conditioned to believe that there is nothing they can do to help themselves. There is a term called Learned Helplessness that was studied in the 50's and 60's. Animals placed in chronically abusive situations were unable to escape the violence when a clear alternative (escape route) was provided for them. This is because after a while they gave up hope of ever being able to change their circumstances and were therefore no longer able to see, or have hope in, potential solutions. Research indicates that people in chronically abusive situations become unable to make decisions to save themselves. Even when an escape route is obvious to others, the abuse victim is unable to see it. There is a learned helplessness that develops over time, and it makes the victim feel powerless and unable to act assertively. She stays because she is terrified that he will become more violent if she leaves, that he will try to take the children, that she can't make it on her own. The average woman in a domestically violent situation tries to leave the situation 7 times before they are successful at leaving permanently. Support your friend and help her to regain that feeling of hope and self-worth until she is able to make the break.


Isn't it better to stay in an abusive relationship for the sake of the children?

Children are never benefited by a violent situation. If the situation is verbal violence toward a spouse, and the children are never a part of it and are never effected by it (right), then there may be hope in getting some really serious counseling. Get involved in anger management classes and couples counseling which works towards empowering a positive, loving, relationship. If this is something that both partners are willing to work at, than go for it. Any kind of violence which involves the children either directly or indirectly needs to stop immediately, or the non-abusive parent needs to take the children away from the violent situation ASAP! Children learn how to be adults by modeling their parents, for better or for worse. They learn to become abusive, or they learn to be a punching bag for other abusers throughout their life. Their sense of self worth never develops and they have a suicide rate 10 times higher than children from non-abusive families.

Difikirkan tidak akan terjadi, namun selalu terjadi

Isnin, Mei 10, 2010
Suami pukul isteri lambat masak mi


KENINGAU 9 Mei - Hanya kerana lewat menyiapkan mi segera apabila diarahkan, seorang wanita telah ditumbuk, ditendang dan dipijak oleh suaminya yang berang di rumah pasangan itu di Kampung Kota Ayangan dekat sini kelmarin.

Malah, apa yang lebih menyedihkan, mangsa turut disiram dengan air panas selain pakaiannya dikerat dengan parang oleh suspek sehingga menyebabkan wanita itu berbogel.

Ketua Polis daerah, Deputi Supritendan Zahari Mohamed berkata, suspek yang berusia 38 tahun telah ditahan selepas isterinya membuat laporan polis semalam.

"Dalam laporan yang dibuat mangsa, dia mendakwa suaminya bergegas ke dapur dan menyimbah mi segera yang sedang mendidih ke atas badannya sehingga menyebabkan dadanya melecur. Suspek yang merupakan seorang petani kemudian dikatakan mengejar mangsa yang melarikan diri ke luar rumah dan menarik rambut mangsa selain menumbuk dan memijak mangsa. Tidak cukup dengan itu, mangsa juga mendakwa ditarik naik ke atas rumah sebelum diugut dengan sebilah parang serta pakaian mangsa dikerat sedikit demi sedikit dengan parang," katanya di sini hari ini.

Menurutnya, mangsa yang mengalami kecederaan di bahagian dada, paha dan hampir keseluruhan anggota badan akibat dipijak, kemudian mendapatkan rawatan di Hospital Keningau. Beliau memberitahu, kes ini disiasat di bawah seksyen 324 Kanun Keseksaan.

Irrational jealousy

"Is abuse an acceptable reason for divorce?"

While it seems obvious abuse should be an acceptable reason for divorce, the Bible gives only two reasons in which divorce is permitted:

- the first is in the case of abandonment of a Christian by an unbelieving spouse (1 Corinthians 7:15), and
- the second is if one partner is involved in a lifestyle of infidelity (Matthew 5:32).


Although God allows it in these circumstances, He has never been an endorser of divorce. It should be assumed that two Bible-believing Christians will not mutually agree to divorce, but should practice the forgiveness and love that God freely gives us. “'For I hate divorce!' says the Lord, the God of Israel...” (Malachi 2:16).


The Bible is silent on the issue of marital abuse as a reason for divorce, although it is obvious that God despises the mistreatment of wives by their husbands (Colossians 3:19, 1 Peter 3:7, Ephesians 5:25-33).

Abuse should not be tolerated by anyone.
No one should have to live in an abusive environment, whether it involves a family member, friend, employer, caregiver, or stranger.
Physical abuse is against the law, and the authorities should be the first ones contacted if this occurs.


The best way to prevent ending up feeling trapped in an abusive marriage is to get to know a potential spouse before making the commitment to marry.

The signs of being an abuser are manifested in one's personality. These “red flags” are always there, but are often overlooked or even ignored when attraction and infatuation take over.

These signs can include:

irrational jealousy,
the need to be in control,
a quick temper,
cruelty toward animals,
attempts to isolate the other person from his or her friends and family,
drug or alcohol abuse, and
disrespect for their partner's boundaries, privacy, personal space, or moral values.


A wife who is being abused should get herself, and any children, out of the situation immediately and find a new temporary home. There is nothing in the Bible to indicate that separation (not divorce) in this instance would be wrong. Although friends and family will likely tell the woman to immediately file for divorce, God places a much higher value on marriage than the world does.

Once separated, the abuser has the responsibility to reach out for help. First and foremost, he should seek God. “For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And the door is opened to everyone who knocks” (Matthew 7:8). No one has more power to heal individuals and relationships than God. He must be the Lord of our lives, the Master of our assets, and the Head of our households.

Both husband and wife must commit themselves to God and then develop a relationship with Him through His Son, Jesus Christ. “And this is the way to have eternal life – to know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, the one you sent to earth” (John 17:3). This should be accompanied by intensive Christian counseling – first individually, then as a couple, and even for the entire family if necessary.

During this time, the wife should let her husband know of her unconditional love and support, and devote herself to much prayer. Although the effort must be made on the part of her husband to make the changes, she should not give up hope if he is at first resistant. However, if he never even takes the first step, she should not consider returning to him until he does.

The abused spouse should not return home until a trained Christian counselor decides that the family will be safe in the same home as the former abuser. Together, the couple should then commit to serving and obeying God. They should spend individual time with God daily, attend a Bible-believing church, begin serving God through a ministry, and get involved in small Bible study groups that fit their needs. “What this means is that those who become Christians become new persons. They are not the same anymore, for the old life is gone. A new life has begun” (2 Corinthians 5:17)!

KDRT : KEKERASAN DALAM RUMAH TANGGA

The cycle of violence in domestic abuse



















Domestic abuse falls into a common pattern, or cycle of violence:

Abuse – Your abusive partner lashes out with aggressive, belittling, or violent behavior. The abuse is a power play designed to show you "who is boss."

Guilt – After abusing you, your partner feels guilt, but not over what he's done. He’s more worried about the possibility of being caught and facing consequences for his abusive behavior.

Excuses – Your abuser rationalizes what he or she has done. The person may come up with a string of excuses or blame you for theabusive behavior—anything to avoid taking responsibility.

"Normal" behavior — The abuser does everything he can to regain control and keep the victim in the relationship. He may act as if nothing has happened, or he may turn on the charm. This peaceful honeymoon phase may give the victim hope that the abuser has really changed this time.

Fantasy and planning – Your abuser begins to fantasize about abusing you again. He spends a lot of time thinking about what you’ve done wrong and how he'll make you pay. Then he makes a plan for turning the fantasy of abuse into reality.

Set-up – Your abuser sets you up and puts his plan in motion, creating a situation where he can justify abusing you.

Your abuser’s apologies and loving gestures in between the episodes of abuse can make it difficult to leave. He may make you believe that you are the only person who can help him, that things will be different this time, and that he truly loves you. However, the dangers of staying are very real.


The Full Cycle of Domestic Violence: An Example

A man abuses his partner. After he hits her, he experiences self-directed guilt. He says, "I'm sorry for hurting you." What he does not say is, "Because I might get caught." He then rationalizes his behavior by saying that his partner is having an affair with someone. He tells her "If you weren't such a worthless whore I wouldn't have to hit you." He then acts contrite, reassuring her that he will not hurt her again. He then fantasizes and reflects on past abuse and how he will hurt her again. He plans on telling her to go to the store to get some groceries. What he withholds from her is that she has a certain amount of time to do the shopping. When she is held up in traffic and is a few minutes late, he feels completely justified in assaulting her because "you're having an affair with the store clerk." He has just set her up.